ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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