Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
