We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
