I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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