Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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