im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
where am i from again
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
