this beer tastes like vomit already
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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