I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
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I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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