if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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