oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
