I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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