They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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