it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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