Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
