what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
