Duck Duck Cougar?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Say something about gay babies.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
