Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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