saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
