i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
