Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
