so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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