Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
