M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"