Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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