would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i love accidental penises.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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