what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
