honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
