so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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