On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
