a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
