Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
