Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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