Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's blow job season.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
