I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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