I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?