i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.