i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
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I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
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My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.