Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...