Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.