I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
