I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
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I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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