alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
