I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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