Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So much rum. So many feels.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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