I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
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