I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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