the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
