I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
