Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
