ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
