Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
