Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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