just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My feet surprised me
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
