I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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