Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
