well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
