You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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