his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
